The Crucible

I apologize for not updating in a while. It’s been over a week since my last entry. Originally, I was only going to take a couple-of-days break, but mid-week last week, I suddenly felt emotionally exhausted. Transitions are hard, and transformations are harder still. And that’s what I feel like I’ve been doing these past two months, six months, year, 2-3 years. One long continuous process of turning point after turning point, and this period in Fukuoka has been no different. If anything, I’ve been blessed. Lucky beyond all imagining.

My friend Lowie provided a safe haven. A place to stay and explore my opportunities in Japan. While doing that, I’ve been somewhat adrift. I would exert energy to paddle here and there, but in the end, I would end up in the same spot not having moved at all. No matter how many resumes I sent out, the timing was fundamentally wrong. What did happen, however, was reflection. Constant reflection on what I wanted, who I was, what I wanted to be. But having been set adrift, I got a chance to feel the waters. To sense the hidden rudder. And it may come as no surprise to anyone who’s been reading this blog, but what I felt… what I determined… was that writing makes me the happiest.

Yes, my time in Fukuoka has born fruit in a completely unexpected fashion. To be sure, I knew that I wanted to write, but what’s become clear is just how much I want it. And this is an old dream – one that I had given up on, and if anything, the realization that it is still well and alive is a shock. A scary one, because the path ahead will not be easy. But then again, when is life ever easy? And besides, I’m willing to test myself against this dream, this ambition. To do otherwise would deny a fundamental part of who I am. And I’m done with that. I’d rather walk into the fire and see what gets burned away in the crucible. To see what becomes refined as base metal turns into gold.

Anyway, getting to this place has taken a lot of work, and this is the long way of saying that I was tired last week. And the past couple of days, I’ve been saddled with a cough so I haven’t been sleeping that well. I’ve been taking it easy, so hopefully I’ll have it kicked by tomorrow or so.

If the above sounds a little reflective, that’s because it is. Since I wasn’t able to find a job by the time of my return ticket (1 December), I’m heading back to the United States. And while I’ll miss Japan (a lot), heading back is good too. That’s one of the great things about having only good things to choose from. In this instance, I don’t think there are any bad choices.

So what lays ahead? I’ll spend a week or so in Los Angeles to spend time with family and friends. All the while, I’ll be planning my next steps, and I’ve already started to look into some options. My strongest suspicion is that I’ll choose to do that which scares me most. But more on that later…

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~ by Samer on November 26, 2007.

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